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Khalid,  Lorne, and Laura suckin’ it on the Ponderosa



I was skimming through the news on the internet as I do often and happened upon some commentary that inspired me to cover some topics I’ve been mulling for some time. The first article was a transcript of testimony by enemy combatant (by his own admission) Khalid Shaykh Mohammed (name misspelled because he didn’t like that in the transcript) in which he compared his fight against the United States to that of the US against Britain in our Revolutionary War, and his “terrorism” to the US expansion and displacement of Indian tribes. The second article was an opinion piece by Foxnews babe Lorne Greene (name misspelled to emphasize a coincidental similarity that annoys her) in which she criticized fame-seeker Kathy Griffin’s request for Jesus to in fact “suck it” during an awards-speech, writing that Jesus was responsible for Ms. Griffin having the freedom to have a career and win awards. Lastly, Laura Ingalls (name misspelled just to continue the theme) in which she- not originally- laments the destruction to American culture that the libs are causing. There’s a lot to be fixed about these not-coincidentally-related viewpoints, and since no one else is smart enough to unravel the web of misunderstanding or probably be aware there is one apparently, I’ll just do my thing.

First, let’s look at K-Sheek’s comparison of his and Puffy-Bin-Laden’s struggle against the US to our Revolutionary War. This one is pretty obvious, but it ties into the bigger picture in interesting ways. The distinction is that the pre-United States warriors were fighting against people who believed they had the divine right to tell them how to live their lives and to claim whatever shares of their production the crown might desire. Sheek-Al-Guantanamo (and a lot of “Americans”) believes that the US has no business interfering in “Muslim lands”. No one seems to notice that “Muslim lands” really means that a small band of hairy despots gets to tell a giant population of individuals how to live their lives and claim whatever share of their production they can pack on the back of a camel or in the bed of a Toyota truck. The United States is COMPLETELY consistent in its fight against both Islamic and Royal fascism. Screw bin Laden and King George.

Now let’s look at that old standby “Manifest Destiny”. This one jerks tears from Sheik- Sweaty-T-Shirt and cardigan-college professors alike. Since everyone’s forgotten how to think, I’ll tell you how to accurately view the United-States’ expansion across the continent:

First of all, we have to remove our artificial territorial and racist filters from our eyes when we look back through the development of people (not “peoples”) on the continent. People (of all skin colors) traveled to other places so that they could live better lives than they were living where they were before they moved. They adopted practices and beliefs based upon their knowledge and fears, regardless of skin color. Because no one was very smart, and because everyone had a lot of fear, their lives- regardless of skin color- were largely tribal. Whether they danced around mud adobes or buffalo-skin teepees or inside the walls of Jamestown, they stuck together and performed their little rituals. Time passed, and people did what people do. They loved and ate and studied stuff and explored and did a lot of killing of each other. More time passed and the people with the better luck and more-advanced technology did better than those who didn’t have that luck or technology. Mainly, the people with the better ideas prospered and those with less-productive vision became less productive. It was not Manifest Destiny that evil white Americans wiped out the poor defenseless native peoples; it was (and is) Manifest Destiny that individuals will be free, and they will demand the right to invent their own processes and dogmas. It wasn’t one tribe defeating cruelly another, it was simply reality that the best way of life would emerge throughout a population center. This was no vast white-wing conspiracy. It was in fact a very natural selection. The national identity derived from brilliant founding documents is in some ways distinct from this development. People seem to assume that in the history of any area people were connected like paper dolls and neatly separated into the convenient historical buckets into which we’ve placed them as we judge through our tiny window on the past. That’s just not how reality is. People are individuals. Once they cut that umbilical cord, you’re alone- like it or not. Every situation you could imagine happened. There were great relationships between tribes and warring relationships between tribes. There were bad eggs in each tribe, and bad deeds on every side. There was rape and consensual sex in both directions, and lots of joy and anguish in every way shape or form. These were individuals engaged in the challenge of the human condition at the dawn of technological advances that would be necessary for the hope of freedom and peace for human beings, and their lives were much more complex than those who play the “Manifest Destiny” card care to imagine.

Native Americans weren’t as much “wiped out” as assimilated. I’m not sure I’ve ever met an American who when the subject was discussed didn’t proudly state that he or she was some percentage Cherokee or Choctaw or Navaho etc. (So am I, by the way). Individuals who live on reservations have the choice to accept life as an American (the life of the free) or stick with the ancient ritual of Casino proprietorship. Where’s the beef, Sheeky?  In reality, Kaleidoscope-shake-Mohammed is just another murderer- no more special than any of the murders among the individuals of all races and sets-of-fears who have inhabited North America for thousands of years.

Here’s what info-skirt Lorne Greene wrote about Kathy Griffin’s “Jesus can suck it” remark:


“Ninety-four percent of America's founding era documents mention the Bible; 34 percent quote the Bible directly. The idea of bringing unity to the universal is a particularly Biblical concept.

The freedoms we enjoy in this country to speak freely and to live freely are directly related to that man who died on a cross 2,000 years ago.”

Founding era documents”?   Here’s the function of the word “era” in that phrase: It means those documents that AREN’T founding documents. The founding documents are The Declaration of Independence and The Constitution. There is exactly ZERO percent of the founding documents of the United States that mention the Bible. There is the Treaty of Tripoli signed into law by John Adams that does mention Christianity, however, when it simply states that “The United States is in no way founded on the Christian religion”. 

Though there were Christians running around loose all over the place early in the history of the US, the people who were thinking were deists. Thomas Jefferson wrote his own bible- the Jefferson Bible- in fact. What he left out was the vast majority of the current bible, which in his words is a “dunghill”. The Declaration of Independence states that “All men are created equal”, and justifies the existence of the US on “the laws of nature and of nature’s god”. Those are strictly deist terms, and are completely inconsistent with bible Christianity. As far as Jesus being the reason for the United States’ existence: How dare you? I believe I know- because you are ignorant. One man IS more responsible than any other for the existence of the United States, but that’s a considerably less famous man that Jesus. His name is Thomas Paine. Washington was a loyalist before Paine, and it was Paine’s logic- and quite uncommon sense- that fomented the desire for independence throughout the population. But now no one even knows where his bones are- the Quakers refused him a burial plot, and the British refused to accept his remains. In the former case, it was because he proved- using the Bible and reason as his only tools- that the Bible is NOT the word of god. In the latter, it was because he was a bigger threat to the British monarchy than the French had ever been- simply by using words.

I have nothing against anyone who believes nonsense as long as they don’t use it as a weapon against thinking people. Further, I don’t pretend that either Jefferson or Paine didn’t respect the morality of the character Jesus as depicted in the Bible. Reasonable ideas are to be acknowledged regardless of source. However, in the context of Lorne Greene’s weather-girl historical analysis, she and Jesus can BOTH suck it.  (Kathy Griffin already does).

Lastly, let’s look at Laura Ingram’s book about her revolutionary discovery that American “culture” is being attacked by the left:

In preface, understand that I’m a liberal’s worst nightmare. I would end public education in two minutes or less. I like the republican talk-show folks in a lot of ways. They’re the people I listen to when I’m listening to talk radio. I want to like Rush and Shawn and Ann and George W. But when they get on that damned American culture kick, they toss principle right out the window and morph into the worst kind of liberals: those who think that government should somehow, again, tell people how to live their lives. They’re so afraid that home-coming queens and leave-it-to-beaver neighborhoods with mother-father-daughter-son-minivan-style families might disappear that they forget about reason. What are they going to do to enforce “American culture”? I guess there could be a fine for not attending your town’s high-school football game. Maybe we could set aside earmarks to build Dairy Queens and Cracker Barrels, or maybe parents who lose a spouse in an accident or just simply because he or she sucked or didn’t suck could be mandated to remarry someone of the proper sex within one year or lose a tax break. They could continue spending millions of dollars in advertising to convince kids in one-parent families that there’s something wrong with them and that there’s no chance that they could grow up to be successful or happy without the approved family formula. Mostly, they’ll just gather in their places of worship with their fellow good people and complain about how everyone else living the way they see fit is screwing up their vision for an America where everyone does what they want them to do. In reality, that is so liberal it’s sick.

Here’s a lesson for all of you: culture is crap, heritage is hate, and tradition is trash. Say it with me: culture is crap, heritage is hate, and tradition is trash. It’s as simple as that. There is no architectural difference between the “culture” of Native American tribes, the culture Bin Laden demands we adopt, and the conservatives’ wimpy whine for others to embrace their culture. Unfortunately for some, when others are free they don’t necessarily behave according to your design for them. The conservatives, Native Americans, and all of the Islamic fascists understand that, which is why they share the petty struggle to see their man-made super-realities survive. What they don’t appear to understand is that, again, it is Manifest Destiny that the best ideas will prosper. If you believe- for example- that the most natural and positive life-structure for humanity is that one man and one woman will stay together and raise their children responsibly, then you have the choice to either believe that by leaving individuals alone that they will come to that realization and that the idea will prosper because of its intrinsic value, or you can believe that it’s your responsibility as someone who knows better than the rest of us to nudge or force us into seeing things your way. If you are in the latter category, it doesn’t matter if you are Laura Ingram or Shawn-Sheiky-Mohammed; conceptually you are the same. If you are in the former, welcome to sanity.

To Khalid Sheik Mohammed’s credit, he can draw a successful analogy between his struggle and that of millions of American citizens. Whether it’s liberals- who have a strikingly similar vision of society as Al Qaeda in terms of their desire to destroy the capitalism that provides food and shelter for human beings- or the culture-club conservatives, who share Al Qaeda’s religious condescension if more effectively veiled- they are conceptual bedfellows.

Fortunately for individuals who use the brains that nature’s god gave us, that’s not what America is about. America is based on the principle of individual freedom from religion to the degree that “the infidel of every religion” desires it. America’s culture is anti-culture for those who don’t want it. America’s notion is that individual freedom is the engine of technological development and therefore of the survival of the species. For those with the strength of will to cast off tribal behavior of any stripe, let us embrace the knowledge that it is Manifest Destiny that individual freedom will spread throughout all land, wherever human beings exist. When that happens, cultures of all kinds will die, and newer, more improved ways of wasting time will be invented as individuals design them.

All of you, on the other hand, who can’t stand the changes that freedom brings, I have one message today: you can all most assuredly suck it.

Copyright 2007 Kenneth Shipman




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